Parental Learning Curve

          Have you ever heard the age-old question “which came first, the chicken or the egg?” 

          As I pondered this question I began to think about Adam and Eve our first parents and the creation of the world. We learn from science that a being or species is created first and then it produces and multiplies. Religion backs this up but explains a bit further. In the scriptures we learn that in six days the Earth was created and on the seventh the Lord rested from His labors. Each day symbolized a new creation, first with the lights and physical Earth, then the animals and finally people. Adam was created and life was breathed into him, then Eve.  Adam the first man signifies the Earth and Eve the first woman, the mother of all living. So, I guess the metaphor of the chicken and the egg is explained and answered by the story of Adam and Eve.

          Adam and Eve are the parents of all humanity and from them, thousands of years later you and I are here today. Being the first parents, I’m sure they had their ups and downs. There were no parenting books or websites that they could visit for advice. They had to learn a lot from experience and depend a lot on the Lord. Luckily for them they could model the best parenting after our Heavenly Father and mother.

          Have you ever wondered what exactly is the purpose of parenting? I pondered and discussed this topic with a few people for a while and we came up with the following list of reasons for parents: to become more like God, provide a sense of belonging/joy, support network, improvement of community, disciple training, teach responsibility/hard work and how our actions have consequences and affect others. Dr. Popkin Ph.D. and author of Active Parenting stated that the purpose of parenting is “to protect and prepare a child to survive and to thrive in the world they will live in.”

          Children are like little scientists trying to discover and understand the world. However, when we become adolescent’s we lose our drive for learning and plateau unless we want to learn something specific (usually for our entertainment) or because we have to (school). When we become parents, it forces us to learn again because we’re helping to raise another human being.  Parenting allows us to begin learning again.

          With parenthood comes a form of power. We think that this power means that I get to do what ever I want now, but in reality it means that you have more responsibility to serve others, meaning your children. We all want to make our mark on the world in some way, but the most effective mark and influence that we can have on the world is through our children. Change starts in the home. If you want to change your family situation work on it from the inside rather than the outside. You can’t ship the child away expecting them to change but you need to start with the parents and the children together. We can do this best through open communication teaching about responsibility, respect and boundaries. Children will try to test boundaries due to their curious nature, testing to see how far they can go. Once the limits are set and known they’ll be happy and remain safe within them. However, for this to happen a relationship between parent and child needs to be established. If this foundation relationship is not established prior to boundary setting then it is more than likely that the child will continue to try to escape and test limits.

          Too often we think that our teaching methods and boundaries are set in place to create or focus on behavior shaping. We use tactics such as punishments and rewards to decrease or increase a desired behavior. This however is a form of manipulation and should not be used on human beings. Instead we should focus on what qualities we want our children to have when they leave the home which stems from their way of being. These qualities are learned through logical consequences. These occur without parental interference and are structured to help the child learn about natural consequences. It allows for the child to have choices which is essential for learning to take place.

          A parents responsibility is to help the child learn how to act and use their agency responsibly. You can't put bumpers on your child. They're going to be dealing with things that you dont know about and you need to figure out a way to build your relationship with your child so that they can feel comfortable coming to you when they're in trouble. You can't solve every issue for them nor should you. But you should let them know that  you are in their corner and willing to help. Let them know that you care. It is natural for problems and challenges to arise in life. Owning the problem means being affected by it or caring about it.  Parents need to teach respect but also how to grow. As parents we sometimes can feel the need to take upon ourselves the kids problems so that they don't struggle, but by doing so the children don't learn how to effectively respond and be responsible. Dr. Popkins suggests the following Problem Handling Model which starts with understanding "who owns the problem".

  Child: 

You should want to let natural consequences teach the children however there are a few exceptions when you shouldn’t let natural consequences teach but instead step in and teach. These exceptions include: too dangerous, too far in the future and can hurt others. If it can hurt them you should try to step in and help them so that they don’t get hurt. Like teaching them to not play in the street so that they don’t get run over. Also if the consequence is too far in the future its good to step in and help prevent something from happening by teaching now so that it wont be worse in the future. Like with drinking- if your child is drinking now, put in boundaries now before they drink and drive and accidentally kill someone. Lastly hurt others- teach and place boundaries now so that they don’t hurt others in the future by being aware of how their choices have consequences. 

Parents: 

Teach respect by showing respect. You can do this by treating them like a human being by making a polite request. Then use I feel statements to help the child understand your emotions not judgments. Sometimes the child will still not listen or understand so a firmer tone is needed. To be firm means to be sincere and direct not a dictator. Lastly logical consequences too will play a part in their learning.

Logical consequences: 

1. Logically connected to natural consequences. Meaning that the consequence will fit the action and not be some random made up punishment.

2. Discussed in advance-Child knows consequences for doing something. 

3. When/then, If/then scenario- when you do this, then this will happen....if this happens, then this will happen. Example: When you put your bike away, then you can enjoy riding it tomorrow. If you don't put your bike away, then i'll put it up in the rafters for a few days.

4. Firm & Friendly- Don't be a dictator- be direct, unwavering and sincere. Empathize with your child. 

5. Follow through first time- If you don't follow through then the child wont learn and you only made a threat.

6. Willing to follow through- Make them realistic consequences, if you say there's going to be a consequence, be willing to follow through with it. The child will learn through natural consequences to not make that mistake again and to handle bigger responsibilities later on.  

7. Give another chance- Recognize that the child isn't perfect and will make the same mistake again. Give them another chance to learn and to know that repentance is real.

8. Involve child in discussion- Let the child help to know and why there are natural consequences. Let them help decide what the natural consequences will be.  

          Sometimes as parents we don't do what is wise but do what is best for us or what we think is right. We need to notice the needs of our children and fulfill them. In the diagram below it demonstrates how when the child's needs are not met how they'll respond though a mistaken approach. It also shows how through the parental response the child's needs can be met and fulfilled.

          As we strive to meet the needs of our children and build lasting and loving relationships based on responsibility, respect and boundaries we will strengthen the home. I think the biggest thing to know as a parent is that you will make mistakes and that is okay. We learn from mistakes and improve from them. Don't measure success based off of the intelligence, personality or worldly success of your child. Just focus on building a relationship with them and be okay with it.  I want my child to be a good, honest person who seeks to serve others and know that they can come to me for anything that they need. At the end of the day I'll be happy with my child being a quiet introverted janitor as long as he/she knows that I am always in their corner and will love them no matter where they are in life.

More food for thought- Check out: 

Popkins- the act of parenting program.

#INephiHavingBeenBornOfGoodlyParents
#BeAGoodChicken