This is me

Culture of Dating

What ever happened to good old fashioned relationships? The ones where you got to know someone then dated exclusively which led to an engagement and eventually marriage. Now a days it seems that many of us skip one or more of these steps.

Traditionally dating meant that an individual is single (unmarried) and going on planned dates/outings with different people as a means to socialize and get to know them better. The purpose was to discover more about oneself and different qualities they'd find attractive in a potential spouse. It wasn't until someone was ready for marriage that they would begin to date exclusively with the intent of deciding if they would marry. Then after careful consideration and taking the time to get to know one another the man would propose and should the woman accept they'd be engaged. During the engagement the man and woman should continue to strengthen their relationship and make clear plans about the future for their married life together (including living, finances, boundaries, etc.). However, nowadays dating has turned into hanging out and is less structured having turned into a social buffer to avoid rejection. The danger of simply hanging out all the time creates the hated "friend zone" also known as the vortex of "you're like a brother/sister to me", which once entered is hard to escape.

Both Men and women are afraid of rejection, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't put yourself out there. The only way to get over a fear is by embracing it. If you have a fear of asking women out then set a goal to get a specific number of rejections- by the end of it, it wont seem so scary because you'll already be used to it. Also, by going out of your way to ask people out you'll go on more fun dates than had you not asked anyone out. The only person who is going to lose in this scenario is the one who says no, because they'll have lost an opportunity to get to know you and have a fun time. My personal philosophy is that if someone asks you out, you should have the courtesy to say yes. They had the bravery to ask you out because they had interest. Who knows after the date you might be interested back, if not that's okay, at least you gave them a shot. Everyone deserves at least one chance and sometimes two. If after the first or second date you're not interested that's fine, let them know in a nice way and move on.

Granted every date you go on isn't going to be a success, but you won't know until you try. Also on that note, remember that just because you go on a date, it doesn't mean that you're going to marry the person. Dating is a way to discover what qualities in a person you like. Then if you like the qualities that they possess, you can date exclusively.

Dating exclusively, also known as courtship, is a time in which both individuals are ready for marriage and discovering if they are compatible for it. It's the time to get to know one another on a deeper level while following the ram process.

It's a scale that marks where you should be in a healthy relationship. The highest tick should be the "know". This means how well you know the person. Based on how well you know them will lead to trusting them more, which leads to be able to rely on them, which leads to being able to commit to them and lowest on the list should be touch. Following this scale will help the couple to maintain a healthy relationship that does not involve a misattribution of love. For example, if touch is a priority of love, then other components such as knowing them or being able to rely on them, etc. will be misplaced. You cant rely on someone until you know and trust them. Likewise, just as touch is an important part of a relationship there is more than physical intimacy that keeps a couple glued together. All areas must be met, without skipping over them.

A healthy relationship will lead to an engagement. During this time, neither the man or the woman can slack in continuing to build the relationship. They need to continue following the RAM process until the wedding and even after the wedding into their married lives.

Men and women alike need to get rid of the perfect Man/Woman syndrome. He nor she exists. There is nothing wrong with having a list of qualities and characteristics that you'd like in a future spouse, but remember that you attract the kind of person that you are. If you want a 10/10 you need to be a 10/10. It's not fair to expect the best from a spouse if you yourself are not ready to give the best. Also, understand that their are items on your list that you should not negotiate and others that you need to be willing to negotiate. For me, I want to get married to a worthy priesthood holder in the temple someday- that is not negotiable. However, where we live or some parenting decisions are negotiable. These are things that you should talk about before getting married.

There is no hand book or specific guide on how to get married or how to "find the one". For everyone, its a little different. The best advise that I can give it search, ponder and pray. As you do your part and don't sit idle you'll find the one right for you, when its the right time. Don't stress over timing or circumstances! Good luck on the hunt ;)

P.s
For all you married people out there, don't stop strengthening your relationship with your spouse. Keep dating them and getting to know them more each day! The ones who say after years of marriage that each day they "fall more in love" with their spouse are the ones who actively seek to do so! Also, help your single friends out and give dating referrals.


To know more you can also check out these links:
https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/dating?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/manual/for-the-strength-of-youth/dating?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/topics/dating-and-courtship?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng